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Tuesday, April 1, 2014

The Headliner...April fool

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India.  The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, as well as reducing  record  deficit expenditures and related overhead his office has incurred during Obama's tenure to date.  "We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant" stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.  Pres Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the office of President as of Oct 12th. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.  It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center" stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."  A Congressional Spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem cause Obama was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all. "We know these scripting tools work" stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years."  Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl suggested by some that he adopt.  Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.  Mr Obama has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Obama may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to his extensive experience shaking hands and smile on command ability.  Another possibility is Obama's enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard, picking up where GW Bush left off. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month before being sent to Afghanistan, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Afghasnistan," stated Mr. Obama, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit he once made to Kandahar's Airport terminal  gift shop. A new day is dawning in America!...Lalepop'

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